I figured you out

Goodbye

2008-09-28T04:03:25Z

I can't continue to post here.
I can't continue to look at the triggering posts, and ana/mia posts.

So, this is my final goodbye.

I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died, we'd be together
I can't always just forget her
But she could try

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever ever...
Ever...

Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

If I fall
If I fall (down)

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...

I'm back

2008-09-20T01:14:46Z

Yes, after two weeks without internet, I finally got it back.
Only because my therapist said I can.
And I told my dad I didn't find out about cutting from it.

Ah, yes, the joys of therapy.
I like it, actually.
He was great, haha.
Joking, being clear, and observant.
He analyzed me, whilst I analyzed him.

My cutting has become worse.
I have documented every time I have.
Be it pictures, writings, anything.
It's there, forever.

I have graduated from hiding it on my thighs, to out in the open on my left wrist.
I know everyone sees it, and it makes me feel a few things:
Happy, because I can show them someone "LIKE ME" can cut.
Sad, because they think bad of me.
Numb, because it's there, I can't make it go away.
And more things, of course, none worth explaining.

I like them.
I like the strength I see in them.
Yes, I said "STRENGTH"
Essentially, that's what it is.

Of course there are other ways of dealing with things.
But my choosing to harm my body, for the world to see, shows how I strong I am.
I'd rather have scars than something else.
It's a physical record of my hard times, and my getting better.

Maybe I only think this because I'm biased.
Should I think about it in such a positive way?
But, why should I think about it negatively?
I don't need anymore negativity in my life.

My mother is out of rehab, and officially my hero.
She is so strong, so amazing.
I'm scared she may relapse though, of course.
If she does, she's going to be thrown out of EVERYONE'S life.
So, she can't.
I want to help her stay strong, help her be proud of herself.
I love her.

All my friends are good.
Whatever about them right now.
I'm not concerned with their drama, or lack thereof.

Internet, fair well

2008-09-08T01:43:54Z

My dad is taking my internet.
Why? He believes it is "a part of my problems".
And the sad part is, it's true.
I know it is.

I read thinspos, triggering posts, and now all this is actually happening to me.
I want to be tested.
To be examined.

I want help, I need help.

Everyone keeps telling me that "I can't go through this alone".
When of course I'm going to do it alone.
I have no one to lean on.
My father hates my mother, my mother is WAS a drug addict, my Grandparents don't know any of the story, and all my friends can only verbally comfort me.
How am I not alone in this?
She's my mother, he's my father.
Not anyone else's.
No one else sits here wondering what my mom is doing, how she's doing.
No one else sits here scared of what my dad might do next, be it yell at me, take something away, drink himself to death, you name it.

Who I am?
I don't know anymore.
Samantha Anne Cooke...who is she?
I have lost myself in my worries of everyone else.
I don't know what I want anymore, who I want, where I want to be/go/see/do, how I want to live my life.
I go second-by-second.
One I may be laughing at something funny a friend may have said; the next, I'm sitting at my desk, slicing up my left thigh.
I am a horrible person.
I lie, I steal, I hide things.
I can't stop.
I don't accept help from anyone.

I am a disgrace.
I am a disgusting child of a disgusting society in a disgusting world.

I'm off to wallow in some more self-pity, thank you.
Text me: (805) 279-2880

Yeah, I'm still here.

2008-09-03T00:49:45Z

I know I haven't updated in a good two weeks, but I've been keeping up with all my friends posts, haha.

I guess we should start with my mom?
She's still in rehab, where I visited (not her, but the place).
And it looks really nice, she can't talk to us though, so yeah.
When I was there, dropping stuff off for her, these two women asked me if I was being checked in!
It was so crazy, hahaha.
Oh well, it was all good.

Uhm, school started last week, and it's alright.
It's school, haha.
I hate the "getting-to-know-" your teacher, your classmates, yourself, blah.
I want everyone to be comfortable with everyone already.
And the homework is fine, when I actually do it, it's SUPER easy, haha.
I don't have any classes with Vinny though /:
Which made both of us sad, awh.

I cut for the first time in over 3 years.
It's on my upper left arm: here
I know it's not that bad, but for not doing it for over 3 years, it's too much.
I did it last Wednesday, so everyone at school saw it the next day /:
And it's still scabing over, so there's really nothing I can do to hide it.
It was a weird feeling, I forgot how hard I had to push to really make a good one.
And it know it looks like I was a pussy, but there are so many scabs now, which isn't that good, haha.

Drama has not stopped with me.
Be it with Michael and other guys (NOT WHAT YOU THINK!), Vinny, Kaylynn, other girls, etc. etc.
It's been pretty bad, and it doesn't look like it's going to be getting any better.

BUT! I have a new bestest friend!
Her name is Caitlin, yes, HER name.
I kid you not.
And she's straight! I scored!
She's amazing, she goes to my school too!
She's the newest addition to my lunch group! Yeeeeah

Well, I must be off.
I need to buy some more bookcovers, and a flash drive.
Lame.

Writer's Block: Six-Word Story

2008-08-14T23:48:21Z

Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” He is believed to have called it his greatest literary work ever. Can you write a story in six words?

Submitted By femspectre

View 506 Answers

She jumped, she hit, she lived.

What's worse than committing suicide?
Living after the fact.

So, here's the downlow; this is long.

2008-08-13T07:59:29Z

The dealio schmealio, as I would say.

My parents had a good trip to Pennsylvania, and the like.
And I had an okay time out here with my Grandparents.

But, on Saturday, there was a wedding, which my family was invited to.
So, basically everyone on my mom's side went.
That morning, my mom was acting weird, I posted some bulletins about it, haha.
But I didn't think anything of it.

So, we go, we're the last to get there, of course.
And we're watching all the normal wedding things go on, but my mom keeps like, falling in and out of sleep.
So, I keep nudging her, or making noises so she sits up normal and stuff.
That goes on the whole wedding, and it pisses me off.
We go to the reception, and my mom is still completely out of it, which pisses me off even more.

She doesn't come in for a little, and I'm like, "Whatever, she'll be fine, just ignore her."
Then, no one knows where she goes!
So, i walk ALL THE FUCKING WAY AROUND THIS COLLEGE CAMPUS LOOKING FOR HER.
When she's just sitting in the front, and didn't say anything to me when she walked by.
I walk up to her and say, "You've been sitting here the whole time?! I walked all around looking for you!"
And walked away.

I overhear, about 20 minutes later, that the security wants her off the campus.
I get up from the table and walk out, and start crying my eyes out.
I sat on these steps behind the building for about 30 minutes just crying, and crying.
Then my Grandpa came up, and I just cried into his jacket, and he was telling me she's getting help and stuff.

After I calmed down, he told me stories about him in college, and high school and stuff.
And I felt a lot better once my mom left, I could go back in and see everyone.
I didn't eat though, I wanted to puke, haha.

I couldn't go home that night, I couldn't see my mom like that.
So, I've been at my Grandma's every since.
And she went into rehab today.
She thinks she's going for 7 to 10 days.
When she's really going for 3 weeks.
Which, I think is good.
I mean, yeah, I'll miss her, but she needs to get better.
So, it's all good.

--

So, Andrew is officially a cocksucker.
The kid has no shame, it's gross.
His girlfriend is a whore, who cheats on him all the time.
And he probably has some STD.
Ew, they both disgust me.
Drama in Japan is so not worth it.
Whatever.

I want my period overrrr, la la la.
OH! Warped Tour is on Sunday!
I'm so excited.
I should stop now, Vinny is getting tired of reading :p
HAHA

Mm, well, TTFN
Ta Ta For Now
Oh man, I want to go to a rave so fucking bad!
Ugh.

Every single time

2008-08-08T10:41:29Z

I read something, a few words, a phrase.
I get the chills.
I get the cold, flash of ice in my bones.

Why did you say those things?
I don't get it.
And now, it's like it never happened.
God, I hate you for that.

I hate you so much.
Too bad I can't even hate you.
Why do I do this to myself?

SCHOOL. NOW.
White v-neck, bright blue shorts, bright blue and white Vans.
New classes, new backpack, new faces.
Fresh everything.
Open mind, willing.
Fuck.

I want Warped Tour, really bad.
Techno music is helping me right now...I need to read.

Better

2008-08-08T06:55:37Z

So, there has been some major changes in, not only my life, but in my mind as well.
I've talked to the people I've needed to.
I've cleared everything up, and it all looks like it's going good.

It's weird not being at my Grandma's.
I feel...like, I'm going to fall into bad habits here.
I'll be alone, not eat, not sleep.

My house always depresses me.
My parents are always faded, drunk, or on something.
I feel like I can't be myself here.

All I can do is sit, sit in the negativity, and wallow.
And getting my period really doesn't help.
Bitching over.

--

I'm going to a wedding Saturday.
I'm excited [:
Even though I got my period today.
Michael and I were worried if I was pregnant, or something, which would be so bad.
But he read that stress, not sleeping, and a lot of factors can make it irregular.
And I've been doing all those bad things, basically.

About a week ago, I was really thinking about drinking.
Like, REALLY bad.
But I didn't.
I was talking to Andrew about it, since it was at like, 3 a.m.
And since he drinks, he told me to go for it.
I didn't want to do it alone, he said he was there for me.
Yeah, all the way in Japan :p
Anywho, I didn't
I didn't carve either.

Anthony Green's new album, Avalon, is really good!
Andrew kept raving about it, so I finally downloaded it, and it's good.
He said he has a man-crush on Anthony, I laughed.
(Andrew is like, über homophobe.)
It's all acoustic, basically, and I don't usually like that.

Meh, I really have nothing else of importance to say.
G'night.

Getting it all out

2008-08-06T22:12:02Z

I really need to talk everything out with everyone.
I can't keep holding things back.
I need to start thinking about MYSELF, rather than suppressing what I really feel at the sake of others.

There are so many things that have to ben done.
I keep getting sucked lower, and lower into everything.
I can't get myself out without hurting basically everyone around me.

I'm already hurting everyone.
Vinny, Michael, Amanda, and I'm sure others.
But in those processes, I'm losing myself.
I'm adhering to what THEY all want me to say, what THEY want me to do.
And I can't keep doing that.

I need to do something for me.
But...I can't.
Because, of course, what I REALLY want, I can't even have.
So, I'm stuck here.
To sit, and boil in the filth I created around myself.

And it's not like all this happened over the summer.
No, it's been just piling up until this point.
I wish I had something to do with my life.

Kids have music, instruments, art, creative ways to distract their minds and get out what they need to, in non-destructive ways.
And what do I have?
I can't draw, I can't write poetry, I can't play anything.
I CARVE INTO MY FLESH.

I SIT WITH SHARP OBJECTS AND CREATE LIFE LONG SCARS!
And for what?
The satisfaction of know that I can feel pain?
Knowing I can rip up my own skin, and NO ONE can stop me?
No, I do it because it's a fucking cry for help.

It's my screaming.
It's my way of throwing everything I can't control into your faces.
I promise not to do it, and yet I do.
Why? Because I want to be looked at, looked down upon.
I WANT PTIY.

I want sympathy, and empathy, and comfort.
I want so much, why don't I just fucking ask?
Samantha, you're killing yourself.

You're disgusting.
You disgust your friends, your family, YOURSELF.

Do I really need help?
Or am I just some attention whore 16 year-old girl?
Fuck if I know.

Bad

2008-08-05T12:05:56Z

I wonder where I'd be if a lot of things were different.
I mean, I'm sure everyone does, but to this extent?
One small thing could've changed EVERYTHING, you know?
Small, tiny, the most miniscule things get to me.
Why?
Why?
Because they are all I can relay on, all I can hold on to.
All I can cherish.

This summer has corroded me, it has stripped me to my core.
I wish I was a recluse, never leaving my house.
I wish so many things.
I want so many things.
Yet, I never get them.
I'm too pussy to either earn them, ask for them, or get them myself.

That's it basically, I am a huge wimp.
A fucking softy.
My heart is much too big for my mind, and it's getting the better of me.

I take in people too quickly.
I let them crawl into my skull too fast.
And they know when to do it, of course they do.

Everything is changing.
I am changing.
I am hardening, I am becoming closed off.
It doesn't bother me much, but it's started to show to other people.
I'm stopping usual things, I'm taking everything seriously.
I have let myself become...translucent, if you will.

I mean that metaphorically of course, but nonetheless, I am.
My feelings have gone from the backseat, to the drivers in milliseconds.
(Horrid analogy, I know, but humor me.)
They have consumed me, taken the reins, if you will.
And I'm just sitting back, letting my logic doze off in the corner.

I need school, I really do.
I need to keep my brain on logical things, real things, theories, equations, facts, knowledge.
I need Biology, I do, I really do.
I need English, and books, and writing, and just thoughts racing through my head.
I need that drama, and the feeling of school becoming more a chore than choice.
I need the routine, getting out for 6 hours a day, never knowing if I'm coming home after school, but always do.
I just need everything about it.
I can't fucking wait.
22 more days.

Oh, and I'm going to Warped Tour, which is always going to be good for me.
17 August, with Michael and Alex.
Only 12 days for that.

Life is a fucking bitch.
Too much pain, jealousy, issues, feelings.
I want my period.
I need it.
Come on body, please.

I must be off.
Spilling the beans shan't be good.

I'm Not a Thief, I'm a Treasure Hunter

2008-07-29T14:01:06Z

Ah, words all kleptomaniacs live by.
I steal so much, and it's all so worth it.
You know, I think Kaylynn and Alex are my only friends that steal things.
And I got Kaylynn into it, haha.
Oh well, I do it, and I'll do it for you, so yeah.

Ugh, it's 6:30, and I'm still not sleeping, this is horrid.
I have so many things on my mind lately.
I really want school to just...set a routine.
That's all I want, a constant routine, haha.
Which is something that every teenager doesn't want, right?
Right.

I can't stop listening to A Skylit Drive, it's insane.
Wires And The Concept Of Breathing is so fucking good.
Even though it reminds me of the plane trips to and from Hawaii, and The Host
Which is an AMAZING book, by Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series.

I've been thinking about a lot lately.
About Amanda, which is weird.
Like, I don't know where she stands with me anymore, I mean, I still care about her, but I really don't know about relationships.
For reasons obvious to her and I.
I don't know...Friday was a strange day.
We talked about a lot.

And there's a lot of shit floating around Vinny and I.
I don't think people can really get that we are BEST FRIENDS, okay?
Not friends sneaking around, or anything like that.
Just because I have a boyfriend, and a best friend (who is in love with me) who is a guy, doesn't mean something is going on.
Like, we KNOW how bad it sounds, but you obviously know shit about us if you think something is going on.
This stuff really gets to me, and I don't care how much he blows it off, it's getting to him too.
And I know that the people this is intended for aren't going to read it, but oh well.
Can you not get it in your tiny, ignorant, disgusting heads that we are best friends?
Come the fuck on, faggots.
Whew, sorry about that, it just really gets me mad, ugh.

ANYWHO--
meh.
Haha, that was random, and funny.
I think I'm going to listen to some House music.
I've really gotten into that stuff lately, haha.
Like, I really want to go to raves, and all that stuff.
I've been wanting to for a LONG time, but have really kept it all in secret, but now I don't care.
I want to go to so many [:
Mm, rave music makes me feel better.
No, I can't change from A Skylit Drive, haha.
Oh well.

So, I basically want to go to college outside of America.
I don't really care where it is, just for a year, or something.
I want out of this place.
I am officially welcome in Australia, and Japan!
Sebastian in Australia, and my new friend, Andrew, in Japan.
God, I love having friends in every part of the world, haha.
Well, not every, but in the most amazing parts, at least!

Oh, and I got an MSN.
I really don't know why I write in this.
I mean, I know some people read it, but no one on LiveJournal does (except for Chelsea).
And it's kind of meant for LiveJournal users, haha.
Oh well, Myspace lurkers, and friends, it is!

Hm, I don't think there's much else going on with me.
OH!
I'm going out to my Grandparent's house for a week, on Wednesday.
My parents are going to Pennsylvania for that week, haha.
Mm, I'm going to gain some weight /:
I don't like that.

OH! again, haha
I've been realizing the only places I really have a problem with on my body are my thighs, and my stomach.
And my stomach gets smaller the less I eat, and the more I pee and shit.
But my thighs are horrible!
Well, I love how they look in pants now, since I've been wearing shorts all summer, and looking at them jiggle, and be fat.
And my pants are skin tight, so the fat is constricted.
I want to join this gym Madison goes to, it's an all women's one.
I think I'll talk to my mom, and her about it.
Weight today, gone tomorrow!

Writer's Block: Phobias

2008-07-24T11:56:39Z

Do you have a remarkable phobia? Does your phobia have a large impact on your life?

Submitted By bitter_melodee

View 501 Answers

I used to have a form of dromophobia, which is fear of crossing streets.
I used to be so scared of it, but for some reason, now I'll walk right in front of cars, and not care.
I don't know if I've hardened or something, but it's weird, haha.

I don't feel like looking up the other ones but they are fears of:
1. loud noises/voice (i.e. yelling)
2. crosses/crucifix's
3. being raped
4. many things, :p
5. being tied up
6. being smothered
7. dying
hm, some other things...

I'll go look them up now, haha!
1. Ligyrophobia, or Phonophobia
2. Staurophobia
3. Virginitiphobia
4. Polyphobia
5. Merinthophobia
6. Pnigophobia, or Pnigerophobia
7. Thanatophobia

It's almost 5, I need to sleep.
Damn you Andrew and Sebastian!

Writer's Block: Planet's Rights

2008-07-23T07:13:12Z

How do you feel about Pluto's recent demotion? Should it still be a planet?

View 500 Answers

Even though I already updated, this pisses me off!
Pluto was always my favourite planet, and not it isn't even considered a planet before!
8 planets is not conducive to my life, even though it's my favourite number.
Every book says there are 9, now they are all wrong.
Pluto is MY planet, not Uranus!

Hello again

2008-07-23T07:05:24Z

So, I've put off making an entry for a few weeks.
I went to Hawaii, for two weeks, with Michael.
It was fun, I'm sure I'll talk more about it later.

I've been really confused with my life lately.
I can't wait for school, I need that solid routine in my life.
I need to wake up before 5 p.m. everyday.
I just NEED it.

Everything is just so up in the air.
Michael and I are good, we've talked a lot of things out, and we both feel more reassured.
My thoughts of him and Kaylynn are true.
He cheated on me with her.
I knew it was going to happen, but I didn't stop it.

I've gotten over it, for the most part.
I'm trying to focus on MYSELF and MY OWN relationships with people.
Her and I talk, but it's never anything serious, just chit-chat.
We both wish we could erase all the things that went on between us, not that we regret it, but to just be able to trust one another, and stuff.

And I've learned that I really don't trust people.
Like, as in I don't trust, or not trust people.
I just don't care, haha.
Which is good, I guess, but it's how I've always been.

Amanda and I hung out today.
And it was really nice, I missed her.
I hope we can work stuff out, and do something so BOTH of us are happy.
--I need a new piece of gum, haha.

Anyway, that's basically all that's been happening, around me.
Vinny and I are good, of course.
As are Madison and I.
Actually, her and I bonded last night.
She was having a really bad night, I've never seen her like that, and I was finally the one to reassure HER.
To let HER lean on me for support.
She's always been the big sister to me, and it felt so good to help her, you know?
After 10 years, it was really nice.

But, internally, I am so unstable.
I want to walk into the doctors office, make an appointment, and get tested for Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
I KNOW I have it, I don't have to second guess.
--Oh god, I've seen this Law & Order: SVU four times now, haha
And I just want to get some kind of help for it.
It's really been scaring me lately.

And I want some pills for sleeping.
I go to sleep at like, 7 a.m., and wake up after 5 p.m.
I can't sleep, I just can't.
I can lay here for HOURS, and not sleep.
That happened at Michael's over the weekend.
He was out by like, 2, and I was just laying there until 6.
It was really bad.

I need someone to talk to.
I need someone to just sit for however long I take, and just LISTEN.
No replies, no nothing, just sit and listen.
I want to watch their eyes change, the muscles on their face contract with what I say.
It's amazing to do that.
Reading someone is liberating, yet so invading.
I don't think my friends like it, but I really can't help it.

I need a job, god damn it.

AND I MISS MY COREY!
We really need to do that photo shoot!
He's my old black women <3

A quickie

2008-06-19T20:31:45Z

Michael is I guess walking over to my house right now.
I don't want him to come.
He went to Kaylynn's at like, 11 or something.
And he didn't wake me up, so I got up at 12.

I hate when he goes over to her house.
He knows why.
I don't care if other people are over there.
I do not trust either of them around each other when I'm not there.
That is SO fucking sad, but it's true.
She's 3rd on his top, and he's 4th on hers.
I know, I know, it's just Myspace, but to THEM, it means a lot.

I'm so mad.
And he has to leave at 2 anyway, and it's 1:30.
I need to shower.
I hope he just goes home, I'll be a bitch to him anyway.
Ugh, fuck him.

AND! He fucking wants to sleep over at her house Saturday, for Warped Tour.
He does this shit to piss me off.
And she fucking laps it up, she basks in her glory of making me miserable.

She loves him.
He wants to fuck her.
He's mine.
Do you see how fucked that is?
Like, really.
Fuck both of you.

There it is there.

2008-06-19T01:24:14Z

Well, Amanda and I broke up.
I think we were stretching out the inevitable.
She was amazing, but these things happen.
I hope her and I can still be friends, and stuff.
We haven't talked since the break-up though, hm.
No more girlfriends for me for awhile.
I can't put her, Michael, AND myself in that situation.
But, I still have my eye out, haha.

Michael and I are doing pretty good.
We're going to Hawaii 26 June, and coming back 12 July.
It'll be a good trip for us, I hope.
We need to get out of here, we need a new environment.
We're both getting better.
He's my only one, as I am his.

So, I'm thinking I failed Algebra 2.
Well, second semester, at least.
And got a D in History.
My only bad grades.
I got a B or C in German, B in Bio, and A in English
I was focused on Bio and English all year, and the other classes just fell short.
It sucks, but I already told my parents.
And they handled it better than I thought.
But I'm sure once they see my grades on paper, they'll freak out.
I have to retake Algebra 2 at Moorpark College.
As summer school, and Adult School, don't have it as a course.
It sucks, I passed first semester, but have to retake the whole years worth, ugh.
I'll live.

I've been wanting a job for awhile now.
As I want to be able to buy my own stuff.
I need a new iPod, Michael broke his, so he's using mine, but broke mine, haha.
Well, they aren't BROKEN, just, only one headphone works.
I don't know how he did it, haha, oh well.
And I want a new camera, since I'm taking Digital Photography next year.
I want the Nikon D60 DSLR SO bad, haha.

Meh, we'll see how everything goes.
Hey, Chelsea, you're amazing, I can't stress that enough.
[:

OH!
And the band House Vs. Hurricane is SOO fucking good, my god.
I know their whole EP already [:

*EDIT:
Still having body problems, haha.

And I've been talking to the Jason kid from Jared's kickback, he says he's "in love with me".
Him and Michael have talked about me, and "how prefect" I am.
It's weird /:

And I carved again.
On my left thigh this time, though.
It says LIFE, the two on my right thigh say MICHAEL and LOVE.
I did an X on the palm of my hand last November, and stupid things on my webbing of my left thumb, haha.
I think I'm done for awhile, I hope so /:

What is going on?

2008-06-08T08:47:06Z

Greetings.
'Tisn't my night, not at all.
I feel alone, ugh.

Finals are next week.
And I'm freaking the fuck out.
My third and fourth period finals are on Tuesday.
Those are the two classes I'm basically failing, haha.
I know I can't do the interview for History, oh well, I'll get a D.
And i KNOW I'm going to fail the Algebra final, so I'll get an F.
After that, I'll feel better.
I'll have to tell my parents that I'm going to get bad grades in those classes, so they don't freak when we get the report cards, you know?
I'm sure it won't be that bad, I'll explain and bullshit my way out of it.

So, I'm not going to Pennsylvania.
I'M GOING TO HAWAII!
With Michael, to stay with his family there.
And a week with Chris, his friend.
I'm actually going to meet his friends out there...wow.

I've been having issues with my body lately.
Like, it's getting REALLY bad.
One second, I'll feel perfect, then the next, I'll decide to not eat until the next day.
And Michael said I wasn't skinny enough to be in a thinspo.
He's apologized numerous times for saying it, but I know he's being serious.
And just today, our friend, Jared, said I have big thighs.
Hating my body, and having an ED and stuff are like, the biggest things I'm against...
It's hard.
To always have to feel like I can be skinnier, prettier, BETTER.
I know I can be all those, and I want it so bad.
Ugh, no one understands it.
They keep telling me I'm perfect and stuff, but if I gain like, 5 more pounds, will they say that?
10 more?
20?
What's going to happen?

People have been talking shit about me at school.
It's funny how that stuff doesn't phase me anymore.
It's been happening all year, so I can just brush it off.
All my friends cannot get over how funny some things are.
And how not truthful some things are.
I find it flattering that people care so much about myself, and my personal life.
I see it as this:
I'm not going to talk about them, so they can talk about me.
It's a win-win, right?
Right.

My internet has gone to shit.
Like, I can barely get a signal anywhere now.
I used to have like, 3 or 4 connections to pick from, and now I'm lucky if I get 1 or 2.
And if I do get one, it's for like, four seconds, and only in certain places.
So annoying.

I keep listening to this song by A Skylit Drive.
It's called Wires And The Concept Of Breathing.
SO GOOD!

Ah, I'm talking to people now.
I guess I should stop here.

Oh, I'll tell you about my day first, deal?
Deal [:

So, Michael and I biked to Jared's house on his (Michael's) new bike.
I had to sit on this back plate, with long holes in it, for like, 3 miles, haha.
When we got there, his friend Jesse was just leaving.
So, we sat around waiting for kids to come.
Jared said he was "rolling", which he didn't seem like it.
Then his Jeremy got there, who was a total beach-hippie-stoner looking kid, with a Wii in his backpack!
Two girls came next, didn't say a word, that I heard, the whole time, hahaha.
Jason and another Michael arrived soon after.
They all railed Blue Playboys (quadruple stacked E tabs with mescaline flakes).
And were drinking, the usual of kickbacks.
His sisters room saw some ACTION, let's just say that, HAHA.
Everyone crammed in there, and we all talked.
Jason thought I was a stoner, HAHA, but respected that I'm edge.
He was nice, totally hitting on me the whole time, which Michael is still freaking out about.
Eric came over, too.
I finally met him.
Nice guy, I guess.
We didn't really converse or anything, haha.
Different than I thought, though.
Michael and I had to bike all the way back to my house.
And now, my butt bones, and tail bone is fucking bruised.
I can't sit down on them, and I can't spread my legs.

Meh, I'm getting tired.
And I'm sure my internet wont be strong enough to send this, haha.
Great, Myspace messages aren't even opening.
This is so stupid.

I need to get my dad to get wireless internet.
Fuck.

Nothing is going right (excuse my language in this post)

2008-05-31T05:37:37Z

At the moment, I have no one to talk to.
Well, no one who listen, or care.
I'm getting so discouraged with school, and relationships, and just living in general.
I'm failing Algebra 2, barely passing History, I'm doing so fucking bad.
And I know I can't explain myself to my parents.
They don't care about what I say, they care about some piece of paper.
They disgust me.

I fucking hate summer.
Every single summer, for the past 4 years has been the worst months of my life.
I become a complete recluse, I don't see anyone, I barely talk to anyone.
I don't eat, I don't move, I don't live.
And I'm sure this summer is going to be no different.
Yeah, my friends say they'll hang out with me, I'm not going to make any effort, I'm too stubborn.
I'm too thick-headed.

And summer trips NEVER go as planned.
My parents always fight, and I hate it.
But Michael wants to take me to Hawaii, and I don't think I can go.
My father is making the biggest fucking deal with it.
He thinks he HAS to plan all our trips, when he doesn't.
How many times can I be guilt-tripped in one day?
Him and Michael are the fucking worst.

Michael takes things so fucking literal, and too seriously.
I called Vinny "love" today, and all day, ALL DAY, Michael was calling me "love" with an attitude.
It was fucking ridiculous.
He kept calling me a jerk, for who knows what reason(s).
He pinched me REALLY hard in two places, and I didn't want him to know they were hurting, so OF-FUCKING-COURSE he does it harder.
And I start crying, he calls me a jerk, yet again.
We're looking at thinspos, and he says I'm not fucking skinny enough to be on one.
And I know he wasn't joking.
--Fuck, I have to take a shower.
I honestly think my parents want me to kill myself.
I'll be back, fuck. (10:09 p.m.)

I'm back, it's 10:35.
I feel better.
I'm really tired, I think I just need some sleep.
I need to read, I'll post some more later about my weekend.
I'm going with my dad to his civil war reenactment, and being in the show, haha.
Yeah, I can't bring anything, no phone, no computer, I doubt I can bring even a book, dang.

Grr-argh

2008-05-21T08:23:32Z

It's been a long time, almost a month since my last post.
I don't know what keeps making my posts so far apart from each other.
But a lot has been going on, it's pretty crazy.

Michael and I, just tonight, said we are going to get promise rings.
Both of us.
And it's the promise that our hearts will be forever each others.
He said, and I quote, "All it is, is a materialistic sign of commitment. My heart already knows it's yours. Forever."
Yeah, my Michael said that.
Be fucking jealous.

I got a girlfriend!
Yes I did [:
Her name is Amanduh, and she's a freshman.
I know, I know, but still, haha.
She's wonderful, I must say.
I don't know where things will take us, as this is VERY early, only about 3 days.
But we'll just go with the flow and see.

Kaylynn and I are, I guess, the same.
She's all jealous and what not about Amanduh, but oh well.
It's nice to see her like that, revenge - if you will.
I've been hearing some things that make me laugh about her, but whatever.
She can do her thing, and say whatever she wants.
As I am surely not going to stop saying what I want.

I've been getting closer to a lot of people lately.
I guess since Andrew and I are no longer anything to each other, I've been replacing him with them.
And they are a much better filler than he was.
Let me tell you what went down, from my perspective, alright?

-So, basically, I just started getting freaked out by him, and how close he was being to me. I would tell him to stop, but it wasn't granted. And something just clicked inside me and was like, "STOP!" So, I started pushing him away. He has always been melodramatic, and never failed with it, and tried to give me a guilt trip, or something. I told him right to his face that I wasn't going to be taking anyone's shit anymore. ESPECIALLY his, since he has oh-so-much. After awhile, we just stopped talking all together. Maybe the occasional, "Hey, what's up...?" kind of thing. But never anything too lengthy. Until one day, at lunch, he dropped an apple on the ground, and I thought the skin he spit out (disgusting, right?) was a smashed grape.
And so, he says to me, "I don't want to eat an ovary."
I just looked at him with a straight face, and said, "Okay."
And he just kept going, "You know, an apple is the trees ovary--"
I cut him off and said, "Okay. I don't care."
He tries to act all nonchalant about it and crosses his arms and say, "I know," and gives this little pussy grin.
I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Then stop talking to me."
His whole face just dropped. I smiled at him, and he picked up his stuff and walked away. It was the best verbally pwnage that world has ever seen. That night, the kid texts me asking if he means nothing to me. I basically tell him he means jack shit, and he, of course, goes melodramatic about it. It was really sad, actually. And ever since then, the only time he spoke to me was today, when he asked for his locker key back. I wanted to throw it in his face. He disgusts me. Kenzie and I were talking about how it was the SAME EXACT THING for both of us. And I just laughed. Every time I see him, I just laugh and point and call him a fag. It's pretty funny, because everyone else basically does it too. Haha, I've never lost a close friend like that before, and I don't think being happy that I lost him is supposed to be how I feel. Oh well, it's fucking awesome :D

Wow, that was a lot, haha.
Anywho, over the summer, I'm going to Pennsylvania.
And I'm über excited about it.
I love traveling, and it's so much fun there.
Even though I never meet kids, I don't have the balls to, it's still fun.
I really want to go to Australia.
It would be so much fun, and I'd stay with Sebastian.
It's not even that expensive either, which is even better, haha.

I don't really feel like typing anymore.
I have a lot more to say, but am much too tired to type.
I want to say that I'll do it tomorrow, but I don't want to disappoint anyone.
And I doubt anyone reads this.
Oh well.
I'll live.

Toddles.

casperkillsam @ 2008-04-28T02:46:00

2008-04-28T09:57:53Z

Here I am again, it's almost 3 a.m., on a school night.
On LiveJournal, making the rounds.

I don't have much to complain about right now.

High school is high school.
Drama is always good.

The Truth Box thing on MySpace is really cool.
Some people are really nice [:
They confess their love, their hate.
It's nice.
Nice, nice, nice.

But, I'm not happy.
LIttle things are getting to me.
I can sense what people are thinking just by how they type something, and that scares me.

I really want to go to Australia.
I have a good friend that lives there, Sebastian.
Him and I have been talking everyday, about everything.
It's nice, refreshing actually.
He has a complete different view of things, and it's a good view.
He's been having girl troubles lately, and I really don't like the girl.
He deserves SO much better.

Hm, my father caught me with both my computer and T.V. on tonight, so I don't know what's going to happen with that /:
I'm so tired.
I don't think I can sleep.

I'm just so alone lately.
Everything I do, it's just...me.
I think since Seb is like, an 18 hour difference, I can stay up really late and talk to him.
I hate being alone...
I hate school.
I hate girls.
I hate boys.
I'm a mess.

So, there's this girl, in my P.E. class, and she's bi too.
It's awesome.
I think everyone wants her and I to be more than friends, just because they know that I need someone for me like that right now.
But I don't know.
I mean, that'd great, but I have no clue how to start anything.
I don't know...I need help.

Sleep, Samantha.

Long time, no post, ey?

2008-04-22T05:55:37Z

Yes, it has been a long time.
But what can I do?
My life has just been going around in circles.
From the best times, to some of the worst in the same day.
A repetitive cycle, that I can't control.
And I think I might be doing these post in like, sections.
This first section is about me, and all my stuff.
The second, and probably the largest, is all my friends, like it has been.
Then the last would be family and school stuff.
Mm, that sounds pretty good, ey?

Everything with Michael is going fantastic.
We aren't arguing, or fighting at all anymore.
We fixed everything that has needed to be fixed, and we are on our way.
The only few bumps are about who he's been talking to lately.
But, with my doing the same, it's something him and I can both deal with.

Andrew and I have been in a squabble these past few weeks.
I don't really know why, but I've been pushing him away.
I don't know if something was said, or if he did something that I unconsciously didn't like, or what.
It's hard to explain though, whatever it may be.

Kaylynn and I are friends.
And basically just friends.
I guess she's going out with our friend Corey, who is more homosexual than hetero, but if she wants to try and change him, fine by me.
Her and I have been getting closer, in terms of our sexual relationship.
But, you know, there really isn't one, so yeah.
Haha, I'm sure that if we spent a night alone, there would be much more of one, but I'm pretty sure that won't be happening any time soon.

Mm, Vinny...
He's as amazing as always.
The best friend anyone could ever have.
As many saw today, he redid my name on his arm.
And as I was standing there for most of the people seeing it, I don't like what their eyes said.
It was like, they looked at me with disappointment, with disgust.
When it what it means is the complete opposite.
I didn't like being looked at like that, ESPECIALLY when they don't know jack shit about myself, or him.
Wow, I don't know that bothers me so much, but I think that if they knew what it was like, they wouldn't look at me like that.

I think that that's all for my friends.
Most of them are goodie goodies, who don't get mentioned in here, haha.
Which they probably hate, or may like.
As those who I do mention, aren't ever really that good, haha.

Well, my parents are getting a new car.
A Chrysler 300, which is a really nice car.
And I'm excited, haha.
They've been fighting a lot lately, and I don't like it.
And my dad can't remember shit anymore.
The weed, and beer has gone straight to his brain, and killed off all his memory of me talking to him.

I'm getting my hair cut on Thursday!
I have waiting for this, for SO long.
Haha, I don't feel like posting the pictures, but it'll look good.
Kaylynn said it was scene, which it's not, at all.

Meh, I think that's all for now.
Oh, and am I the only one that thinks belly button piercings are trashy?

Who the FUCK am I kidding?

2008-03-28T10:28:21Z

When is this going to pass?
I can say out loud that I am over her, and I can honestly know that I am.
But little things bring everything back.
I fall into it again.
I want this shit to be over with.

I need summer, right now.
I want to go to Pennsylvania so bad right now.

I fucking hope she is hurting as bad as I am.
Am I even hurting anymore?
I think I'm finally numb...but I can never tell anymore.

So many things are running through my head right now...
So many different thoughts, feelings, I can't control.
Everyday it gets harder.

I need to stay strong for everyone...
I need to be able to keep everything in for everyone else...
I hope this all because of having my period.

I think I'm changing...and my brain doesn't know how to deal with it.
I think I am finally accepting that I am a good person.
That I do love my life, and that I have a good one at that.
That I don't need to keep in everything to be strong...

I need to stop letting these things hold me back.
Wow, Since U Been Gone by either A Day To Remember, or Kelly Clarkson is pretty much how I feel right now.

It's a bittersweet thing, I guess.

Someone fall into my lap, and show me there is good in the human race.
Show me that I can trust someone.

Ugh, I just bite the shit out of my nail...
I want to paint my nails, haha.
It's too late now.

Tonight sucked.
Like, from 11 until now and probably on, it'll just get worse.
Everyone is asleep, and I have no one to talk to...
Well, I'm talking to this girl Christy, who's in my History class.
And I'm about to tell her about...everything, haha.
I just finished telling her...I wonder what she'll reply /:
--She reacted good, which surprises me, haha.

YES! Vinny is up!
That makes me feel so much better.
Whoa, I have to pee so bad I keep shaking, and getting like, hot flashes.
AHH! I have to go now, or I'll explode!
--Okay back...I seriously peed for like, 18 seconds, wow.

I feel better, thank you.

Website; nerddd

2008-03-26T11:33:21Z

So, I got my own website!
For free too [:
My friend Sebastian, who lives in Australia, gave me like, a sub-domain or something, haha.
He's really great, such a nice character.
Anywho, it's basically another blog, but it's about issues, not my life.
Go here to read it [:
I love the name: < geek />
Haha, I so am one.

Friends have been wonderful lately.
No disputes, no arguments.
It's been really nice, actually.

But I'm still yearning for a girl.
Not just as a relationship, but a friendship.
Sure I have Madison and Landon, but they are the ONLY girls I have in my life.
And even them, I don't talk to on a daily basis.
It's getting hard, to rely on the minds of boy's to keep up with my whining, and complaining and all those girly things.

Gah, since Kaylynn and I are no longer talking, and she's turned into a clone, I feel like I have been holding back a lot of people.
I feel like since I'm not friends with her, other people can't be friends with her either.
And I mean, iI don't want them to be, but whatever if they are.
It just sucks because her and I do the same things, and hang out at the same places a lot, so yeah.
But she's the one who will be hating life, I'll be fully enjoying her pain, HA!

Hm, I think I may be getting a potential friend that's a girl.
But she doesn't have the best track record with one of my good friends.
And she's a Freshman, which don't get me wrong is fine, but I assume she isn't even 15 yet.
And I'd feel weird with being anything more than a friend with her.
But I'm happy that she embraces her sexuality, as I do too.

I should really be getting some sleep.
I have a show tomorrow, and I need to be awake to go, haha.
It should be so much fun, yay!

All done.

2008-03-21T06:36:40Z

Whew, has this week been as challenging as ever...

So, just about everyday has been a struggle to keep my friends.
I think with Spring Break looming, and finally here, everyone has just been on edge.

Michael and I are pretty good.
When we're not together, we argue so much.
But I think today has really changed a lot of things.
He wanted Andrew and I stop text less, and walk together less at school because...I don't really even know why.

But yeah, and it tore Andrew and I up.
We didn't talk until lunch, when Michael and I had come to a solution.
And we both are happy with it.

Things are on the rocks with Kaylynn again.
She was doing some things that she really shouldn't have been doing, and it kind of just made us stop talking.
I don't want to go into detail, as it isn't anyone's business, but yeah.
And I feel that, for now and awhile, we can't be anything.
She has hurt me too much and in so little time that I can't just accept her back.
I, with help, have realized that I don't need to have that sort of stress, so it's better if we just go our seperate ways until she can come to a conclusion on what she wants, and who she really is.
You know, she would always say that I changed, and I kept denying it because I hate change.
But know that I think about it, I have changed.
And I believe it is for the better.
It would be no use to be dragged back down when I'm already getting so far ahead, you know?
So, there it is there.

This little freshman thinks she can talk shit about me to Michael.
No one likes her.
I find it funny that she thinks she can flirt with him, and tell him that she'll kick my ass and shit when he doesn't give two shits about her.
I think she is disgusting.
We call her The 'Coon.
Which I found out is a bad slang term for an African-American person, but she's not African-American, so no worries.
And I'm positive we can make a worse name for her.

Man, oh man.
I am so tired.
Ooh, so, Robert and Vinny showed me this band called I See Stars and I really like them.
Even though they have like, 5 songs and too many instrumental parts, I still really like them.
I just put one of their songs on my Myspace, woot [:
Ew, I keep saying and texting the word "nah", it's weird.

I've been debating on whether I should keep straightening my hair, or just letting it do it's natural thing.
I really want to get it cut, maybe I will over the break.
That would be so amazing, haha.

I wish I could write what I really want to on here.
But alas, anyone can essentially read it, and I know some do religiously.

Hi, whomever you are.
If I know you, you probably already know all of this.
And if I don't know you, then it's all news to you.

I really want some Black Forest Ham.

I haven't updated in awhile /:

2008-03-12T07:39:49Z

I found my old LiveJournals.
One from 2006, and another from early 2007.
I only posted a few times in both, and just deleted them.
I was being too harsh on myself, and too negative.

*EDIT*
I got a laptop!
Have I said that in a previous entry?
Well, oh well.
But it's a Mac, yay!
I love it, haha.
But I just wish Safari could spell check the words as you type...

Anywho, life is just that, life.

We have the CAHSEE today, and tomorrow.
That's the California High School Exit Exam, for you non-Californians
Eh, they are so easy, I don't really care.

Meh, Michael and I are good.
We still get in arguments, but we're starting to get through them faster.
And we come out of them better, and happier.
We're going to a show this weekend.
Nevea Tears, lovehatehero, uh...some other bands, haha.
I don't really listen to them though.

Kaylynn is going, and her parents too.
Her and I are better.
I am still not liking how she has all her other friends, but I have mine and yeah.
I think it's just because I'm way jealous, and I told her all this.
It's so weird with her and I now.
Like, if you saw us before, I was always the calm, stern one.
Now it's reversed, haha.
But oh well, I love her, and yeah...
Ugh, I don't feel like explaining anything more about her...it's too hard right now /:

Hm, Andrew is as paranoid as ever.
And is obsessed with this Anime Studio computer software thing, haha.
And I swear his hair gets longer every day, it's so weird, haha.

It was just recently Madison's 17th brithday, she's way old.
But I love her, yipee!

Vinny and I have been best friends for just over a year.
All my friends and I know all the dates for everything that happens to us, haha.
He's amazing, I don't know what I would do without him.

Meh, I'm not tired at all...I slept some today.
Oh! And I'm going to Bamboozle Left April 6th.
Also with Michael, and Kaylynn.
It'll be interesting, to say the least.

I feel like looking at naked pictures of really skinny girls...
Thinspo's are so bad for me, but I love them.
Even though some of the girls aren't that skinny.
Gah, I hate being so skinny, but I still wish I was skinnier...
How fucked is that?
Alot.

Hm, KirkJ is my hero.
HAHA! Only Michael, Kaylynn, and Robert will understand that.
And none will probably read this.
If you do then, hello!
Oh, hey Andrew, fag.
Haha, I'm kidding.
But really, KirkJ is the best anal stretcher on XTube, ever!
Look him up, you won't be disappointed [: